Janet

I spend 23.5 hours a day in the same spot in my office. Staring at a computer screen, surrounded by my special ukulele, my toys, my legos and a slowly vanishing collection of wine stuff from when Diana actually stepped foot in here. 

Oh and there is always a filthy little dog at my feet who would love nothing better than to sit on me.

My command center and hibernation chamber is great and serves its purpose, but does mean I’m trapped from the outside world. An outside world that occasionally need to interact with my world. 

Inevitably, when I am just about to present an amazing advertising idea to a person who could fire me with a snap of their fingers, someone knocks at the door. One of the 3,000 Amazon deliveries we get a day. Or a Luca friend. Or a nice young and not totally scary man who wants to sell me some magazines.

We tried to give Luca his own key, but it’s nearly impossible for him to remember something so important. Plus, our front lock sticks, so he is usually forces to pound on the door or repeatedly ring the doorbell until I excuse myself from a high powered meeting to let him in.

I’ve taken to leaving the door unlocked so I no longer have to move from my chair. Or move at all. I look forward to the day when I am so obese I get to wash myself with a rag on a stick.

Yeah, it’s not the safest thing in the world, but we live in Whitey Whiteville. We don’t get much crime in these parts. 

Moving on. A few weeks ago, I was sitting in my bedsores and Luca was watching his phone on our blue couch when we heard the door open and a woman’s voice said, “Helloooooo?”

We both figured it was Eli, and thus ignored the greeting.

“Helloooo? Hellooooo? Janet?”

Janet? That’s a new one. Must be a Tiktok trend. 

Luca then shouted, “Daaaaaaaaaaaaad!”

I strolled into our living room where a young woman had just broken into our house. Luca stood at a safe distance.

As I looked at the woman, I thought, “Am I within in my rights to kill this person?” Now, this woman was zero threat. She was a good hundred pounds lighter than me and had the look of a cat enthusiast. 

But still. What am I supposed to do here? Yell? Brandish a steak knife? Get a nerf gun?

Luca and I just started laughing. No, Janet doesn’t life here. Just two idiots who couldn’t stop laughing. Janet’s friend began apologizing profusely and wanted nothing more than to go back to her cats.  

She let herself out and quickly walked down our sidewalk, where she encountered Elijah, who was just arriving home from school.

The woman tried to explain why she was in Eli’s house and he burst out laughing as well. I hope she found Janet eventually.