Apples

I love our cabin. It’s beautiful, peaceful and allows us to watch TV in a completely different state. TV feels so naughty when surrounded by countless things to do outside. Even Grover, who by all accounts is an animal, prefers to spend his cabin time watching us watch TV from the comfort of our big couch.

Occasionally, though, we do like to at least attempt to visit the surrounding area to justify the drive.

Diana and Luca selected apple picking as opposed to our usual activity: admiring the junk people throw into the creek.

I had never been apple picking, so I was rather excited to get dressed up in my best Autumn Man outfit and do Autumn things. I was a little confused about the whole process. Do they let you just grab apples off the bushes or trees or wherever apples come from? What about worms? Do you get to keep those? Would there be a charming fire? And what about the whole hayride business?

Diana selected an orchard near a town with a restaurant she hoped was worthy of us leaving our TV (it was not). It seemed charming enough. Lots of barns and cinnamon smells and people wearing plaid. However, the entrance featured a giant “for sale” sign. Did that mean seasonal fruit picking isn’t a Fortune 500 business?

We skipped down the road, arm in arm, and were met at the entrance by a man in a gigantic, bushy white walrus mustache. He gave us the basics. Buy a two cent bag for three dollars, pick some apples, take your Christmas card photo and be on your way. Cool. Seemed simple enough.

Before we left him, he smiled brightly. “Now. I want to make a few things clear.” He bent down to Luca and said, “I noticed you threw a rock on your way down here. If I see you throw another rock, I’ll kick you out. If you throw an apple, I’ll throw you out. If you climb a tree, I’ll throw you out. If you do anything I don’t like, I’ll throw you out.”

Was he joking? His smile was so bright. But his words were so dickish. The “For Sale” sign was starting to make sense.

We shuffled past him, confused. It definitely darkened out picking. I, ever the rule follower, spent the entire time agitated. I barked at Eli and Luca not to touch that. Don’t eat that! You’re gonna get us kicked out! Stop that.

Luckily, the family ignored me and had a great time. They picked many apples, took many photos. We even visited the big barn to explore their antique rest rooms.

All in all, it was a successful trip outside our cabin’s walls. As a bonus, we saw a couple doing a naked photo shoot just off I-94 on our way home.