This is one of those rare HamannEggs
posts that is so long and strange and hilarious that I’m going to break it into
two parts or risk missing the really embarrassing stuff.
As you all know, I’m
increasingly panicked that Elijah is going to stop wanting to hang out. He
barely spends time with me as it is, and I usually have to bribe him with R-rated
movies and root beer. Imagine my surprise when he asked if I would take him to
a concert in the big city. Or a comedy show. Or something. It was for a Youtube
group who is insanely popular. So popular, that they sold out the beautiful
Chicago theatre.
I immediately said yes because
I am desperate and pathetic for his love but also asked if I could watch a few videos
to at least see what we were in for. They are four guys who do dares, I guess?
Or eat weird things. Or stunts? I’m honestly not sure even after watching them
with my dad squint face on. I just felt old. I silently agreed with myself to be enthusiastic about the show because I
need Eli to like me for a few more months before he discovers girls. Or boys.
Because I was born under a
bad sign, the show was the evening I returned from a marathon crisscrossing of America
on business trips that included a woman pouring an entire cup of coffee in my
lap during a 6 hour flight. I said to myself, “Rick, if you act nice and aren’t
a gigantic grouch, I’ll buy you a nice bourbon at dinner.” That was enough for
me.
Before the show, I took Eli
to an expensive steak place. You know, for bourbon. The ladies manning the host
station flirted with us because a 12 year old boy and his 47 year old father represent
the least sexually threatening duo on the face of the earth. We split an order
of lobster deviled eggs, a $20 burger and some ribs. Eli breathlessly told me
it was simply the greatest meal of his life. I had to agree.
As we walked to the theatre,
we noticed an insane person across the street. He was the kind of insane that
was pretty scary for a little guy like Eli. This poor soul was dressed in
layers of rags and was screaming at the top of his lungs, swinging an imaginary
blade at passersby. I tried to explain to Eli that some people are just
troubled and broken and there isn’t much we can do in these situations.
Especially 10 minutes before the show starts.
Suddenly, the man locked eyes
with Eli and came racing across the street, wielding his imaginary sword and
screaming incoherent threats at us.
I did what any protective
father would: I shouted, “Run!”
Eli and I ducked into Macy’s department
store and hid in the Men’s Underwear Section. Among the boxer briefs, we found
two women also hiding from the insane man. The four of us debated which of us
the man really wanted to murder. We all agreed it was Eli.
We walked across Macy’s and
peeked out the door, hoping no one was waiting to imaginarily stab us. The man
was gone and we dashed for the show, which was about to begin.
And that, my friends, was not
even the weirdest part of the night.
Stay tuned for part 2.
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