Curriculum Nights

The summer tends to be pretty brutal at my ad agency, and the last three months I've been particularly swamped. Imagine my delight when last week turned out to be pretty light. Like, sneak out at 4:30 light.

So how did I spend my stolen free time? Curriculum Night baby! Sittin’ still. Listening. Trying not to look bored. Everything an overworked man could want.

My first stop, Elijah’s school. I was particularly interested in this one because it’s his new middle school and, quite frankly, Eli refuses to give us any details. He won’t allow us to even drop him off at school. I’m fairly sure he just jumps on a boxcar the minute he leaves the house and has non racist Huckleberry Finn style adventures every day.

The Curriculum Night was opened by Eli’s massive Principal, Mr. Gigantor. Principal Gigantor is not a man you’d want catching you sneaking smokes in the boys’ bathroom. Huge. Intimidating. The minute he started speaking, I sat ramrod straight, with my hands folded in my lap. My friend Lexa, who sat next to me, tried to offer me a snack and raised my hand to tell on her. Luckily for Lexa, Principal G. didn’t see me.

His presentation included things he expects from us, as parents. I vigorously took notes on my iPhone, but then I was afraid Principal G. might think I was messing around, so I just tried to memorize everything he said.

The best news was Principal Gigantor doesn’t want parents helping kids with homework. Homework is meant to be a challenge and a way for kids to learn how to problem solve and rely on themselves.

Yes! I was already totally outmatched for Eli’s math homework and had fallen into awful sitcom dad clichés. “New math? What’s wrong with old math?” From now on, he’s on his own.

Luca’s Curriculum was a few days later. Eli had the same teacher years ago and we loved her, so I was crestfallen when she totally didn’t recognize me. But I managed not to pout through her presentation.

She gave us a well thought out Powerpoint, but the entire time my mind was screaming, “Go to presentation mode! You’re in slide sorter. SLIDE SORTER!”

She ended her talk by asking us to write a little note for our kid, which we could put in their desk. I wrote to Luca how proud I was of him and how much I loved him. And then debated writing “I farted in your chair” for a very long time.

In the end, I decided not to write the fart joke and it haunted me. After polling all my friends, they unanimously supported not writing the fart joke. It was inappropriate and could have gotten Luca into trouble.

I should have written the fart joke.