Ball Foul

In the weeks leading up to Father’s Day, Luca and I would be watching a Cubs game and he’d say, “Dad. I wish I could tell you what we got you for Father’s Day.” Or we’d be talking about the Cubs and he’d say, “By the way, your Father’s Day present is sooo great.” Or he’d be wearing a Cubs shirt and he’d say, “My shirt sure wants to tell you something about Father’s Day.”

They got me Cubs tickets.

The morning of the game, we all put on our favorite Cubs stuff and headed down to Wrigley. Our seats were fantastic, right behind the dugout. Which is what happens when Diana is put in charge of tickets. We were close enough that the players could hear Luca shrieking out their names. We had to do that thing where you need to duck when you are going up the aisle to get food or else people will yell at you.

After we had hot dogs and I had a bottle of water to see if baseball is enjoyable without beer (it isn’t), the Cubs players all headed to the dugout for last minute coaching and chewing tobacco application. A few of them started throwing baseballs into the stands. Souvenirs for happy kids, attractive people and people drunk enough to elbow out happy kids and attractive people.

Suddenly, a Cub locked eyes with Diana, who was aggressively pointing at Elijah and Luca. Her expression said, “Come on. Look at these kids. They’re genetically engineered for cuteness. If you give them a ball, their heads may literally explode like the movie “Scanners.”

The player, whose name Luca has told me no less than 7 times, will hereby be known as Carl Yastrzemski, 1980’s left fielder and Simpsons reference.

Carl threw a ball right at Diana. No one else could be the target. Mr. Yastrzemski’s form was perfect and hit Diana’s outstretched hand with pinpoint accuracy. Carl threw it so Diana didn’t even have to rise from her seat to catch the ball.

The ball careened off her hand and into the stands three rows behind us.

Now, before we all start making fun of Diana’s terrible catch, remember she is technically blind in one eye. And she was holding a Pepsi in her other hand. Plus, her catching hand is made from concrete.

The boys were apoplectic. “How you could miss that? That was for us! You blew it! How hard is it to catch a ball?” Diana and I decided maybe beers weren’t such a bad idea after all. In order to restore peace, Diana promised to buy Eli and Luca a jersey from the Cubs store.

The game itself was awesome and the Cubs won simply because we were in attendance. Our day ended with Luca and Eli being invited to run the bases by a generous usher.

Later, when we brought the jerseys to the cashier, the price caused Diana to make that rare sound of someone swearing and laughing at the same time.