Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Pee Mystery

It’s been a while since we’ve had a good old fashioned poo and pee story at HamannEggs.

All of the apartments we lived in while I was a kid kind of run together. They all blend into a shag rug/bunk bed/fern clump. In my memory, the living rooms were all covered in cat barf and the bathrooms were all covered in pee. I vividly remember my mother shouting, “Don’t you even aim?” With three sons, she never stood a chance. 

Luckily for Diana, the boys are fairly decent shots around the toilet since they are short.

However, in the hours between 10pm and 7am, someone pees all over everything. Toilet, floor, sink, ceiling, neighbor’s house. It would be impressive if it was so disgusting.

Unlike my mother, who just succumbed to the squalor, Diana wants to find and punish the culprit. Elijah and Luca, who are in a phase where they must destroy each other, build elaborate legal cases against their foe.

“Eli always drinks too much water before bed.”

“Luca pees so angrily.”

“I heard Eli telling his friends the other day that he plans on peeing on the seat so you’ll sit in it at 2am. True story.”

The boys suggested putting a camera in the bathroom to catch the pee thief. I didn’t like the idea of my phone being covered in any other pee than my own.

Diana simply leaves the seat up now in the midnight hours so there is a slightly larger target for the boys. It seems to have held back a little of the flood.

The other morning, I was petting Grover in the wee early hours (Rick Time) when I heard a child’s door slam open. The child raced into the bathroom and whizzed over everything, and then raced back into his room. I could tell he was still deep in R.E.M. sleep. And must have been dreaming about the Skokie water park.

I didn’t have the heard to wake him up and chastise the boy. So I won’t reveal his identity now. I’ll just continue to encourage pre bedtime pees and maybe go buy a tarp.

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