Friday, May 12, 2017


Last Saturday, Elijah stood before the Nerf gun arsenal at Target, clutching his newly acquired gift card.

“Dad. Do you think I will get in trouble if I buy a Nerf gun?”

“Yes. Yes you will.”

And that was that. Shortest Hamann Eggs story ever.

But the gears were already turning. Eli, the greatest 10 year old lawyer in the world, began to build a case for a Nerf. In January, Diana did allow the purchase of a Star Wars gun WITH PROJECTILES. On another occasion, Diana was heard to say that Nerf guns in the house were sadly “inevitable.” She also has never said “no” to this exact gun in his hand. Also, Nerf guns are totally cool. Just look at them.

I was at the point in every Target run where I needed to get out of there in a physical, chemical way.

I made a brief speech about consequences to one’s actions and he’d have to live with Diana’s wrath. I also told him the gun he was holding was junky and the one next to it was way cooler.

Eli loved his new symbol of horrifying violence. He asked if he could bring it to the movies (no) and to Andy’s Frozen Custard (maybe). He was so proud of it that he actually allowed Luca to touch it for three whole seconds.

When Diana got home, Eli wondered if he should just own up to the gun. However, Diana had a look that she gets when our president Tweets from the toilet. I advised him against it. Not the best parenting move, I’ll agree. But I was making risotto. Yes, that is the reason.

A couple nights ago, I was getting the boys ready for bed and asked Eli where his gun was. Like an assassin from a Bourne movie, Eli scurried around his room extracting the stock from his sock drawer, the scope from behind his bookshelf and the little foam bullets from under his bed.

Hmm. This didn’t feel right. If Eli was hiding toy gun parts now, what would he be hiding two years from now? Five years from now? I had visions of weed and porno stashed in the same drawers and bookshelves.

I said it was time for him to tell his mom. Honesty is the best policy. Plus, I didn’t think she’d be that mad.

I then slipped into Luca’s bed for be-withs. Luca sleepily debated who was a bigger Cubs fan, him or me. It was tough considering neither of us had seen a minute of a game this year.
Eli came in and buried his head under one of Luca’s pillows. He was hot from crying. Diana was not pleased with the gun news.

I told him I was sorry. I totally forgot Trump had fired the head of the FBI earlier in the day.

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