Wednesday, December 28, 2016

The Purge

Christmas morning went off without a hitch. Unbeknownst to the participants, however, it almost didn’t happen at all. Santa woke up in a panic at 2am, head pounding from Christmas Eve wine, and stumbled outside in the freezing cold to his Mazda brand sleigh to gather his goodies.

For a few days afterwards, it looked like a Christmas themed grenade exploded in our living room. Slowly but surely it dawned on us that we would need to clean our house or turn it into a wrapping paper cardboard museum.

I took one for the team and attended an animated singing animal movie with the boys while Diana tackled the house. Oh, I pretended I got the raw end of the deal. Boo hoo, my popcorn is too salty. It’s so crowded with all the other dads escaping housework.

Then I learned the full details of the deal.

“I need you to purge all the toys the boys don’t play with anymore to make room for the new toys.”

Well played, Diana. Well played.

I set the tone for our purge with a speech. “Boys. Somewhere, not too far from here. There are kids who got nothing for Christmas. Not a single Lego or Star Wars guy. Because they are not as lucky as we are. Don’t you think it would be nice for us to give them some of the toys you no longer play with?”

The boys launched into a barrage of questions. Where are these kids? What are their names? How will we get them the toys? Can we go see them?

In answer, I shoved them into their rooms with instructions to make three piles: Keep. Donate. Pitch.

Elijah’s strategy was to read Calvin and Hobbs until I entered his room to yell at him. He would then rapidly (and randomly) toss things into the three piles until I left, at which point he would go back to Calvin and Hobbs.

Luca too his task very seriously. He studied every single item thoughtfully. Did he need this tiny, chewed up blob of plastic that was once part of a toy that no longer exists? Maybe. Maybe not. While he did this, I would hurl hundreds of toys into the donation box behind his back.

By the way, if you are missing a single Lego stud, we have it. Along with a billion other single Lego studs.

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