Wednesday, August 19, 2015


Over the last few months, we’ve been doing a bunch of renovations to our house. Essentially, we turned our two flat into a single family home. It mostly involved workers spreading a thin layer of rubble over every inch of our house. Our Roomba hung itself in our dining room.

One of the advantages of having double the space, aside from twice the locations for Grover to poop during a thunderstorm, is the boys could have their own bedroom.

Diana and I were a little nervous about how they’d react to the idea of sleeping alone. The two had been roommates since we lived in Denver, a city Luca is convinced is fictional.

Diana tried to sweeten the deal for both of them by creating two bedrooms straight out of a Disney tween television show. They have framed vintage comic book covers, bunk beds, docking stations for their Ipads, whimsical rugs and little touches reflecting their personalities. Luca has a Lego building table and Elijah has a small pile of 5-dollar bills.

The founder of IKEA, Ingvar Kamprad, took one look and said, “I am liking this for your little children.” He also said, “I was not a Nazi sympathizer.”

But like all things I’ve built up in my mind, the boys were completely fine with sleeping in their own rooms. With the condition that Diana and I have to lie down with them until they fall asleep.

I was not on board with this. Diana was usually in charge of the be-withs in our house. Which would usually give me a chance to drink whisky or play video games. Or more likely both.

With the double be-withs, there is also a nightly game of “Who Do I love More?” The answer is always Diana. It warms my heart to hear them argue, bargain and bribe for the opportunity to sleep with their mother over the horrifying alternative.

After climbing in next to the loser, I’ll usually drift off well before they do. Only to awaken hours later with shooting pain in my lower lumbar from the metal IKEA death trap and wafer thin mattress.

At which point I will limp into our room to climb into bed. Where I’ll inevitably find Diana, Eli and Luca.

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