A big Amazon.com box arrived at our front door. And like all Amazon.com boxes, I assumed it was a Diana purchase to make our home more distinctive. A shell collection perhaps? Or maybe a stuffed peacock. Ohh. A shelf. I bet it was a shelf. The kind that only mechanical engineers can build.
To my surprise, it was a fish tank.
Now, a fish tank is a symbol of just how much Diana loves Elijah and Luca. Because a fish tank goes against everything Diana believes in in regards to home décor. They’re dirty. They’re wet. They only add to the vaguely urine-y smell that permeates a home with two small boys.
But she did it. And it was no ordinary fish tank. It was a “Glow In The Dark” fish tank. The whole thing revolves around a black light that attaches to the top, giving all the fish and rocks and castles a trippy, glowy effect. All the more enhanced after a massive bong load, if you are currently attending Colorado State University.
Diana’s job was finished the minute the Amazon.com box was opened. Suddenly, and inexplicably, I became the official fish monger of the house. I assumed my weekend dad expression of squinted eyes/downturned mouth and got to work.
Mostly, it involved going to Petsmart three times a day to purchase official “Glow In The Dark” fish stuff. Which is exactly like every other fish thing with the added bonus of being three times the cost.
The boys instantly fell in love with the four brightly colored trippy fish who made their home in the Magical Mystery Tour Tank. I suggested they name them Jerry Garcia, Ken Kesey, Trey Anastasio and Cary Grant (He took LCD. Look it up.).
But they decided on Lord Voldemort, Sweet Cheeks and The Red One and The Orange One.
Now, aside from the complete and utter laziness of the second two names, I was impressed with Lord Voldemort and Sweet Cheeks. Way more creative than those easy drug jokes.
A few days later I discovered the girls next door had named their terrified hamsters Lord Voldemort and Sweet Cheeks weeks earlier. So my sons had simply ripped them off. Nice.
I know this story should end with all four fish belly up. That would be a great end to the blog post, huh? But no. They are all alive and kicking. The boys are very responsible and don’t shake the tank or anything.
But for the sake of good blog posts, let’s just say Grover ate all of them.