Beatings

People ask me, “How do Luca and Elijah get along? Do they like each other or do they fight?”

Until recently, my standard answer was, “They love each other. They never fight.”

Now, however, I’m having to adjust my answer to, “They love each other. They always fight.”

Well, not always. They seem to only fight when Diana and I are out of the room. We’ll hear a shriek and a cry and when we run into the room, Luca will be on the ground, red-faced and screaming and Eli will have the most innocent look on his face in the history of faces.

Yeah, I get it. Brothers fight. Cain, Able, Richard III and King Edward, Michael and Fredo Corleone. Even Steve and I, who have a relationship that defines the word “creepy” used to beat each other so often that the only way we’d stop is when our older brother Dave decided beat us as a change of pace. It’s part of the job requirements for being a brother.

But what bugs me is the fights are fairly mismatched. Considering only one of the two of them know they are actually fighting.

Here is a typical scenario:

Eli will be sitting at his drawing table, working on his masterpiece, “Things I Eat For Lunch,” when Luca will come scrunching up. Luca will pull himself up to see what his older brother is doing. “Oooh, crayons.” Luca will then attempt to grab a crayon from the table. At which point Elijah knocks Luca to the ground. Cry cry cry, parent enters the room, lies commence.

So we’re trying to nip this lopsided battle in the bud until Luca either learns how to walk or learns Brazilian Jujitsu. Which means Eli has been spending an inordinate amount of time in jail on the stairs. But trying to explain this to Eli has proven difficult.

“You can’t push your brother.”

“But he took my crayon.”

“That’s no reason to push him.”

“But he took my crayon.”

“Again, that is no reason to push him. You love him.”

“No I don’t.”

“Why would you say you don’t love your brother?”

“He took my crayon.”

“Go sit on the stairs.”

I’m sure this will all be resolved in the next 18 years or so.