New Years Eve 2021

 I was sitting on the couch making out with Tutu. I was well on my way to the proper buzz to sleep the night before a big Mexico trip. Our bags were packed. My brother’s dog watching bribe was set out like Santa’s cookies. The boys were mainlining videogames in anticipation of 8 nights away. 

Life was, dare I say, perfect?

Diana walked in. “Did you happen to renew your passport this year?”

Rewhat? 

Apparently there is a little date on your passport that indicates when you have to get a new one. Something like every ten years. It’s easy to miss. Especially when you don’t leave your house for two years. 

I searched my brain for evidence that I had actually renewed my passport and simply forgot. All I could find was Simpsons trivia.

Diana burst into tears and the boys simply said, “What?” over and over. 

I began to repeat, “Go!” over and over. Go. Don’t let my stupidity keep you from the vacation you planned a year ago. Go. My fragile emotional state can’t handle ruining 2021. Go. Go. Go!

Diana and the boys and our neighbors (oh, did I forget to tell you I ruined our neighbors’ vacation too?) decided to postpone. It was a sign from God. 

God wasn’t done.

Diana and Lexa scrambled to book someplace in the US. They found outrageously expensive tickets and accommodations in Puerto Rico. Yes. This is still salvageable. Let’s do this.

Just to be double sure, I looked at the COVID numbers online. There was a 3,000% increase in COVID over the last 5 days. Three. Thousand. Thanks for checking Rick. 

Our neighbors decided to get as far away from us as possible and just started driving west. We opted to head to the cabin. Yeah. The cabin. That’s right. We own a cabin. With toilets and a fireplace and everything. We can salvage this vacation. No one can stop us from our own darned place.

The next morning I ran to Starbucks to get us travel coffee. As I drove home, snow started dumping. I looked up into the sky and heard a booming voice say, “I don’t think so.” By the time I got home the weather folks had issued a “Don’t leave the house ever again” warning.

That pretty much sums up the year for us Hamanns. But you know what? We’ve never been happier. We’re closer than ever. We love each other more than ever. We’ve made it through another scary year together. Together.

As is tradition on HamannEggs, I like to leave a little note for each member of the family.

Diana, you are the love of my life. You still amaze me with every eye shot, COVID scare, and ruined vacation. You manage to see the good in everyone and everything. You keep us together. You are everything. I love you.

Eli, I am so proud of you. You are a wonderful, hilarious caring teenager. You’re the coolest kid ever. I am zero percent surprised you are doing so well in high school. There is no one in the world like you. I will also destroy you in Magic The Gathering later today. You make me so happy. I love you.

Luca, you’ve grown leaps and bounds this year. You are an awesome little sport-o. Your enthusiasm is contagious and hilarious. You make me laugh every day. You make my heart break every day. You are my special guy. I love you.

Jerry, you are a good boy. Stop eating shoes.

Tutu, don’t die. 

The. Worst.

 

A week ago, Elijah got exposed to COVID. One of his pals breathed their evil funk breath on him at lunch. Better safe than sorry, we kept him home for a few days. His symptoms included videogame addiction and making a huge mess in the kitchen. 

It quickly morphed from safely quarantining to just skipping school. So we forced him kicking and screaming back to high school. 

We had a few hours of peace and quiet and then we got a text:

ELI: What is happening? We are on lockdown.

DIANA: I have no idea. Is it because of COVID?

ELI: I’m really scared.

DIANA: Are classes still going on?

ELI: No we are huddled in the corner…If anything happens, I love you.

What the ever loving FUCK??? The worst text exchange a parent can possibly have. A living nightmare. Is this the world we exist in now? Our beautiful, smart, funny, caring baby hiding in the corner of a geometry classroom because of a gun in the goddamn school? Sorry for the swears. But if there was ever a time to introduce swearing into HamannEggs this is it.

We quickly found out that Evanston police had swarmed the school. There was a gun “incident” but it didn’t look like an active shooter. Thank the lord. But neither we nor Eli could be 100% sure it wasn’t turning into hell on earth. 

We kept texting him. Telling him we loved him. Asking him if there was people in the room he could hold hands with. Yeah, is there someone you can hold hands with in case this is your last moment on earth? We told him to do whatever the police said and under no circumstances should he put himself in any danger. 

He kept his sense of humor in his personal nightmare, texting us about his feet falling asleep and making (in hindsight some not great 9/11) jokes. I assured him when he got home he could have his first glass of wine. 

Luca eventually joined the text exchange, as he was on a soft lockdown because of the mess. He showed us a picture of a robot he drew with rectangular nipples. We discussed the benefits of rectangular robot nipples for a while.

Things eventually calmed down and we got the details. Apparently some idiots were smoking weed in the boys’ bathroom and got busted. When searched, a few guns were found. Morons. Jackasses. Blockheads. Fuckwits. 

Can you imagine the avalanche of excrement that is going to rain down on those kids’ heads? Just because they wanted to be cool weed dealers? Not to mention the army of Karens who will descend on the school administration. 

They sent everyone home for the rest of the year. Our last text on the subject was:

ELI: I think we should go see the new Spider-Man movie tonight.

You bet your ass we went.